This Mother-Daughter Thing...

So I'm struggling tonight with the relationship I have with my oldest daughter. I'm not sure that it's the most positive thing for my daughter. The thing is, I don't really like her. And I've prayed about this for about as long as I've had her. I love her to death, but I don't like who I am around her. I don't enjoy being around her most of the time. Of course these are all things I would NEVER want her to know. EVER. And I'm sure one day we will talk about it. Hopefully not for a very long time.

I know it started not long after she was born. It wasn't until months later that I realized that I didn't like her. She was colicky and I had postpartum depression pretty severely. It was all I could do to make it through those days with her as a newborn. Now, 5 1/2 years later, she's this ball of energy. She is confident! She is beautiful. She is kind and loving. She loves to show me what new thing she can do! (gymnastics and dance related) I get compliments often about how she seems so grown up. She can hold a great conversation with older people, and they just gush about her! I'm a very proud mom!!!! She is everything I would want her to be right now. God made her this way.
But what scares me is I think she is so much like me. And what if she turns out like me when she's older?? What if the confidence she has now wilts away as she gets older? What if she wonders if she's loved the way I want her to be loved....the way I don't show it to her now. What if she doesn't get what she deserves out of life? And what if the choices she makes/I make as she continues to grow up affect her negatively?

I think this mother-daughter thing we have just is really new to me. Unfortunately I have a very hurtful and tainted view of what a mother-daughter relationship should look like. Because of this I don't know how to be the best mother to her (or my youngest daughter). Again, I pray about this. Maybe this is my plea for prayers from any of you who read this.

My goal is to find a book about this. I know it exists. I want it to be Christian. I want it to be real, so I know there are others who have walked in my shoes.
I love her so much! I want to like her. I want to look forward to seeing her every morning. I want to look forward to seeing her imagination run wild! I want to WANT to lay with her at night. I want this Mother-Daughter thing to be real, positive, grow, to be love like nothing else. I want to be her hero and the person she can come to about anything. And I fear I've not planted that seed yet. But I'm ready to give this Mother-Daughter Thing all of my heart.

The blessings that keep me going!

There are times in life when I just don't understand what's going on. And I don't know why they happen. I had yet another friend who lost their baby way too early. And it just pains me in a way that nothing else does. Why does God create a life, only to take them away before they have had time on this earth?

But in times like these, as I sit here next to my 4th blessing, I am reminded by God whispering in my ear that I CANNOT take the blessings in my life for granted! I need to cherish them! So as I sit here, the only one awake in my house, I am going to write them down...share it with whoever wants to see! If nothing else, on my rough days, when I am too busy complaining to really cherish my blessings, I can look on here and have a change of view.

B- my babies. Being a mom to 4 amazing kids! Miscarriage wasn't something that was real to me until after I had kids. I almost feel guilty knowing that I've had 4 healthy pregnancies with 4 healthy kiddos. But this is something that I hear about more and more, especially with those around me. I will, and DO, think about this when I'm having rough days. My babies.

L- laying next to my babies and husband as they are drifting off to their magical places.

E- enjoying the time I get to watch my little ones to what they love best. Tonight was Riley and Madi's last night of softpitch/t-ball (respectively)! They both had a great time, and I love that I can support them.
Riley~ anything that has a sports ball involved is a love of his. His favorites: soccer, baseball and simply playing catch.
Madison~ she loves putting on music (from when I went to Holland!) and her dress-up leotards/dance outfits and create new dances. She loves showing us her gymnastics moves. I enjoy just watching her:) (Although I do have to admit some of them could go on Funniest Home Videos!)
Alexander~ he just loves life! I love this kid!! His blue eyes are usually just sparkling from the things he does, or sees, or learns, or says. And his constant "Why?"...well, let's just say I need to ask myself sometimes why I'm so down about things I can't control. I've got it good here!
Kailyn~ although she doesn't do much now, I am enjoying it ALL knowing this is our last :( When Kailyn looks up at me and smiles, life automatically turns around. The innocence in her eyes, cheeks and toothless smile are just amazing! (I'm smiling as I type this right now!)

S- spending time listening to the sounds of my kids:
*laughter
*Alexander shouting "FIRE!" when he gets angry! (although it's not too funny at the time)
*Kailyn cooing when she sees me or when she sees one of her siblings. The sound of her squealing as her daddy makes her laugh. The sound of her breathing next to me.
*Madi asking to sleep with her big brother during the thunderstorm so she feels safe.
*Riley laughing at his "cookoo" mom for making things up just so I can hear him laugh some more.
*Alexander saying "I love you, too, Mom!" before I even get a chance to say it to him first!

S- saying "Good Night" to my kids. The whole routine of bedtime. In fact, I miss that when I am not home for it (not very often, I must add).

I- "I love you!" I will never grow tired of hearing those 3 words! Ever! I am blessed that every day I get to hear those words directed to me - by 5 of my favorite blessings!

N- nestling in next to my husband. He is so caring. Loving. Patient. Strong. Faithful.

G- GOD! He is an ever-present part of my day. I thank him all day for the moments he has blessed me with. The prayers that he does, and doesn't, answer. The times he calms the storms in my heart and puts my mind at ease (which isn't easy sometimes!).

I'm blessed. That's all there is to it!