Love Happens

It's pouring outside. I'm relaxed after spending time with my husband watching the movie Love Happens while holding my sleeping Peanut. And because I'm in my "safe place", I am ready to write this post.

This movie was a movie I watched at the right time in my life. It's about learning to move on in life after losing someone you love. Well, I really haven't had a hard time dealing with the loss of my two grandpas throughout my life. But I have been trying to move on from other events that are still affecting me today. I will definitely watch this movie again, trying to make sense of it again, in order to help me out.

I have been talking with a therapist about what I thought was 1 issue I am having. Although I have seen so many counselors, therapists, psychologists and more starting when I was 5 years old I knew that that 1 issue stemmed from experiences in my life that have really affected me.

I'm having to learn how to love completely and feel like I deserve the love that's shown to me. I am dealing with abandonment issues from my biological mother serving me with papers saying she wants to dissolve the parenting relationship. Up to that point our relationship was short of non-existent. But this final blow is something that still affects how I love. As life went along for me, I feel like my step-mom then "left" me when she and my dad divorced. Now I feel abandoned 2 times from 2 people who were supposed to love me unconditionally.

Well, now these situations are leaving me scared and nervous in my relationship with my husband. I get very nervous when he has relationships with other women. What if he leaves me? What if he realizes what I know; that I'm not worthy of his love and that there is someone out there who is going to make him happier. Not necessarily the best thought to have in a marriage.

Don't get me wrong. My marriage with my husband is amazing!! He is my safe place. He's more to me than anyone else. I just can't say enough about my love for him!! But I am tired of wondering when he is going to abandon me, too. So now I am talking through what things I need to do in order to move on. I want this love that I have with my husband to just happen purely. Not tainted by my fear of the past rearing it's ugly head.

This love just happened!! (That's another post!) And I want to jump in with both feet, 100%, and just love my husband! I pray that God helps me heal from my past and allows me to live freely in my future and let love happen!