Can't Hang on AND Let Go

I've been breastfeeding for 10 months this stretch. And this is kid #4! So you can imagine my desire to be done and have my body back! (My husband thinks it's about time, too! Although he supports me completely!) I'm ready to let go of this baby stage in another 2 months.

But at the same time, I'm sad. I want to hang on to those moments. The moments when Peanut lifts her little, chubby, precious hand to my mouth for me to kiss. The moments when she falls asleep in the nook of my elbow, knowing she feels safe with her Momma. The moments when I can stroke her hair that is just long enough now to tuck behind her ears. The moments when I can get lost in the beauty of being a mom. The moments when I can be selfish knowing I'm the only one who can feed her in this way. The moments when I can be selfish and have her all to myself.

Babies grow up. And some/many parents can't wait for their kiddos to grow up. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for the time when I don't have to change any more diapers. Or when I don't have to carry around a diaper bag full of sippy cups and puffs. But I want to hang on to these moments for as long as I can. They disappear in the blink of an eye.

I see my 7-year-old, who'll be turning 8 in a month. I used to hold him the same way I hold Peanut. That's impossible now. I see my strong and confident little lady who just turned 6. I struggled with her during her first year. But I'll never have that year back. And now my Little Man, who just turned 3. I've been home with him since he was three months old! And although those were three long years with A LOT going on, they went so fast. Now my baby, my Peanut, will turn 1 in less than two months!

I am just realizing that as much as I want to let go, to get my body and independence back, I am also hanging on to every last drop I can of this sunshine.

But I can't hang on AND let go.