From the time I knew I was pregnant with my second child, I needed to find out if it was a girl or a boy. I knew in my heart that I was going to be pregnant with a girl, and I needed to know for sure, to learn how to deal with being a mom of a girl. You see, with my history of relationships with the mother figures in my life, I've been left with some pretty severe scars. So I was scared to have a daughter.
Now, 6 years later, I'm still scared of how to be a mother to my oldest daughter. She reminds me a lot of myself, and that scares me, too. She's just a ball of energy. She's spunky. She's smart. She wants to take on the "mom" role (way too often). She wants to be in control of a lot of things. And she's only 6! She's VERY confident! Which I love! Especially for a girl. She's very mature in what and how she communicates with others. She knows what she wants, and she just does it. She reminds me of a college graduate, ready to make her decisions that she wants to make! The only problem is, she's 6!
I'm not sure if I truly understand how much of an impact I have on her; emotionally, spiritually, mentally. There are times that I see her reactions to things, and I know exactly where she learned it. And it's not necessarily something I even say. Just how I react under stressful situations. But it's also things I say. I know that I am a role model for my kids, both in words and in actions. I just really need to be sure that I'm a positive role model. One who doesn't play mind games with their kids, like I feel I experienced my whole life. One who is willing to listen to WHATEVER they have to say, which I again feel I didn't experience a whole lot growing up.
And being that I am lacking some some positive experiences from a mom, I'm finding it hard to be a mom myself. I see myself as a little girl in my little girl. That's scary! I'm scared that I'm going to turn into the parent(s) I experienced, and my little girl is going to feel about herself the same way I feel about myself...which I wouldn't classify as positive.
The other night we were making these little cakes from this kids bake set she got for Christmas. (And just to make it very clear; I'm NOT good in the kitchen!) Needless to say, I screwed up the first cake AND the fondant! I was getting frustrated! This was supposed to be something fun I was doing with my daughter. And it should not have been that hard, really! But somehow I found a way to mess it up...again!
Well, I called myself a "Loser"! But I kept plugging away! We got another cake mix and fondant mix and we made ourselves another cake! But Madi came back in the kitchen after taking a little break. She was very upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she was sad about what I said. I was confused so I asked her to explain more. She said when I felt like I was a loser, then she felt like a loser. **SLAP** **KICK IN THE SHIN** **KNIFE TO THE HEART** This is what I was doing to my daughter's self-esteem. Not good! I needed to make a change in how I was talking to and about myself! She's picking up on these negative comments I make about myself! Then applying them to herself.
Then last night she was at gymnastics. After every move she made she looked at me for some recognition and applause. I think that's fine, but I don't want her to always have that external praise. I want it to come from within herself!! I understand that feeling of looking to others for that praise, but not being able to get it from within. At one point she missed a jump and said, "I suck." I just about broke into tears! I hardly ever say that word because I don't like it. But the fact that she would use that word about herself was disheartening.
I need to change this! I WANT to change this. I want to love my daughter MORE than I love myself. And I want her to feel that way, too! I get so frustrated by so many things she does (or sometimes doesn't) do! And I know she feels that! But she reminds me so much of myself and I don't like that!!!
In talking to my husband about what I can do to feel more love towards my older daughter, he said maybe I need to focus on how to love myself first. To see and love the positives about myself so that I can love those things about her, too! That's going to be hard though. When do I have time to focus on loving myself when I'm trying to love on my kids? my husband? I'll make the time. But then HOW do I do that?
I'm ready to read a few books that I have to see if that helps. We're also going to a Christian camp this summer for a Mother/Daughter camp! I'm truly excited about this! Hopefully I will learn and take away lots of good skills I can use with my daughter!
I ask whoever reads this to pray for me please. Pray that God opens my eyes to see the beautiful girl whom I love so dearly, with all the qualities God gave her! Thank you!
But at the same time, I'm sad. I want to hang on to those moments. The moments when Peanut lifts her little, chubby, precious hand to my mouth for me to kiss. The moments when she falls asleep in the nook of my elbow, knowing she feels safe with her Momma. The moments when I can stroke her hair that is just long enough now to tuck behind her ears. The moments when I can get lost in the beauty of being a mom. The moments when I can be selfish knowing I'm the only one who can feed her in this way. The moments when I can be selfish and have her all to myself.
