Lusting for Love

So, my relationship with my husband has been nothing short of a 9+ year roller coaster ride! (That's another post.) Lots of ups, some downs. So much good has come out of our relationship! But there continues to be a few issues that keep coming up. Ones that are important to me, but not so much to my husband. And ones we don't see eye to eye on. I'm sure this is normal in almost every relationship. It's about communication. Well I'm struggling to find that, among other things, right now. And it's not really a good time to bring these things up. It's Christmas time. The season of joy and laughter. Love and enjoying those around us who we love. My mind and heart just aren't following the same calender.

We talked a little bit about some of the issues a few days ago. One is trust. One is lust. (Coincidence that they rhyme???) With my thoughts, they go hand-in-hand. When there is lust, there isn't trust. When I try to sort through my issues by myself, I try to think of, and even refer to, what the Bible says. What would Jesus want for me? For B? For our marriage and family? I wasn't sure exactly the definition of 'lust', but I had the definition from my heart. It is seeing others with a sexual desire. It's taking pictures of them (complete strangers) and editing them for your pleasure. It's drinking heavily and dancing in a way that isn't appropriate. It's making comments, quietly or out loud, pertaining to a sexual thought of another person. But I wasn't sure if this was accurate. So I found this definition; a Christian definition.

And I found this as well.

2 Thessalonians 2:12. The definition of lust includes loving things that are not of God. You lust when you have pleasure in something that does not line up with the Word of God. When you partake in the pleasures of unrighteousness, you are rejecting God's truth (2 Thessalonians 2:12, "That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.",). God asks us to be vessels of sanctification and honor, and not dishonor ourselves and God by lusting after the unrighteousness (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5, "That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:"). Lust is a love that hates God and loves things that are not of God. The unrighteous' objects of lust includes sex outside of marriage, envy of something that is not yours, homosexuality, abusing your body with food, drugs, or alcohol, or the love of yourself above God.

I am not trying to point blame. I know that I, too, have my faults. My sins. And I try my best to ask forgiveness for them, and make it a point to be a better person. But when it comes to the lust thing, being on different pages is very hard for me. I want my husband and me to be together, focused on doing what God wants for us. But my husband doesn't know what his definition of 'lust' is. And when I try to talk about it, because I want to get to a place where I can move on from this, he doesn't want to talk about it. So there lies the communication thing. And there goes my trust.

I'm sure there are many people who are saying, "It's not like he's cheating on you." And I couldn't agree more! My husband is a very faithful husband. And I don't think he would ever cheat on me. (Obviously it's not 100%, but I'm pretty confident.) But to me, lusting someone is cheating of the heart. Looking at someone who is not your wife/husband and getting excited, is wrong, in my lowly opinion.

But here is where I have to leave it. Because I don't know where to go from here. B doesn't want to talk about it because 1) It's my last day of being a student (OK, justified) or 2) I don't know my definition of 'lust' (OK, figure it out) or 3) It's my graduation weekend (OK, justified). But when is it important enough to talk about it? Not in December because that's his graduation month. Not before next December because that's his graduation year. Not in his graduation decade. Hell, maybe not in his graduation century. Or at least that's how it feels to me. (Ok, that was pretty negative. Not helpful.) So now I have shut down. If it's not important enough to my husband, then maybe it shouldn't be that important to me. So I swallow it. Down it goes, hiding amidst all the other issues in my heart. The problem with that is it taints my love for my husband. And that's exactly what it's doing. I don't see my husband in the loving way the Lord wants me to see him. And that's a problem for our marriage.

I supposed when it comes down to it, I do lust. I lust for a love that God wants for us. But then again, according to the definition in the Bible, that wouldn't be "loving things that are not of God". I just want to figure this out. I want to be done feeling like maybe I'm not good enough for my husband. (I'm sure that's a whole self-esteem issue that will take me who-knows-how-long to truly fix.) I understand that in a marriage sacrifices are made. But I just don't know if just letting it go is a sacrifice I'm ready to make. I guess only time will tell...along with however God decides to answer my prayers.

Praying to Give Thanks to God

As I sit here with my little Peanut, I'm reminded again how I just need to be thankful for what I have. Really, not a day goes by without me saying something to my husband about how fortunate we are. How lucky we are. How blessed we are. And that we need to just continue to give the Lord our thanks and praise. And continue to give to those who are not as fortunate as we are.

This post comes at such a hard time in other peoples' lives. There are 3 women in my town who are fighting for their lives due to cancer. All three are amazing women. All deserve to be healthy. Yet God has given them this challenge.

We are all healthy in our family. Sure, the cold bug is in our house. Yeah, I just got over the stomach bug. But really, we are all healthy. God willing, we will be here to celebrate Christ's birth with each other in our home. That isn't the case with others. And that's heartbreaking to me.

I sent out an email last night to my family members to give them ideas of what the 6 of us would like for Christmas. I had wrestling thoughts about this. To the kids, a part of Christmas is opening up gifts. But that's not what it is for me. I was able to write down some ideas for the 4 kiddos. I asked my hubby what he would like and he really didn't have any ideas. Eventually he gave me one. But then he noticed I didn't have anything after my name. That's cuz I don't want or need anything! Truly. I would not be heartbroken if I didn't get anything this Christmas. (Santa already delivered a snow blower a little early!) I'd rather have whoever drew my name buy a Christmas tree for a family who can't get one. Or buy hats and mittens for a family who are homeless. And tell me that's what they got for me! Or make some meals for a family whose loved one is suffering with cancer.

I am going to continue to pray. To just be thankful for the things in our life that God has blessed us with. A healthy and strong marriage. The ability to have 4 healthy and beautiful kids. My husband's health. My health. The support of our family and friends who take time to listen or watch our kids when we have to go to the doctor. I'm thankful for this house I get to be in all day when it is below 0. I know these seem to be things all of us have. At least everyone I communicate with on a daily basis. But it could just as easily be me who wakes up tomorrow to a fire taking my house. I could wake up next week to hear the doctor saying I or one of my family members have cancer.

So for today, and every day after, I am going to do my best to be content with what I have. I am going to pray to God and give him thanks for the blessings he has given us thus far.

Quite possibly one of my new favorite...

Bible verses! Yeah, I know you were probably expecting something else. But this really sums up how I feel, and what my goals are for my life. At least one part. I hope you enjoy this verse, and can maybe make this a part of your life, too.

Don't forget to do good and to share what you have with those in need. For such sacrifices are very pleasing to God.
Hebrews 13:6