To Tattoo or Not To

A little over 2 years ago my hubby moved to South Dakota to start med school. He was leaving behind three kids and a wife who suddenly became a single parent. We had to make it 14 months. Do you know how long 14 months is, when you are counting weeks, days, minutes, sometimes seconds?!?!

Well, those 14 months ended 12 months ago!! Seriously? He's been home now for EXACTLY 1 year today! It's hard to think how quickly those months passed! And now he's only got 2 more months before he graduates!! Man how time flies!

When I look back on that time, I definitely hit rock bottom! I have to say I went through the stages of losing a loved one. My husband left me, and although I knew why, there were still thoughts racing in my mind that were negative. At first I was in denial that it was going to be hard. I am a very strong person and knew that I could do this parenting thing on my own. And it was such a short time. And to make it easier, I compared it to people whose spouses were overseas fighting in a war! At least I could talk to my husband every day; multiple times every day. And we still got to see him almost every weekend.

Then after a couple months it hit me. The pain of not having my best friend with me at the end of challenging days. Not having my best friend there to listen to me vent (although I'm sure he would say he did plenty of that, just had a sore elbow at the end!). Not having my husband there to hold me at night. This was hard. It was during this time that I remember having my second breakdown ever. This was not a good time for me.

Shortly after the pain came the anger. How could he just up and leave all of us here? Sure it was going to be better in the end. But what about right now? I felt alone. I was home with 3 kids. He was out by himself, probably like the good old days of being single. He could go out with his classmates whenever he wanted. He could go for a run or bike ride without wondering which kid had sports that night and at what time. He could come home late at night after going out to the bar and not have to worry about taking the babysitter home. Hell, he could do whatever he wanted and not have a worry about him. I was angry with my husband for leaving me.

I bargained with him. I'll do whatever it takes for him to let us move out there. Sure he was only going to be out there for 14 months. And at this point it was probably down to only 11. But I didn't care. I would find someone to come rent the house. (Which I pretty much did, but as God would have it, it didn't work out!) I would homeschool the kids. I would stay in another apartment. I knew he would have a lot of studying to do, and I wanted to respect that. But I wanted to be where he was, for so many reasons.

Then I went ever farther in my black hole. Especially when I knew we weren't going to be going out there with him. My depression came back much like I experienced it with my postpartum depression. I felt alone, like my husband didn't want to be with me. That maybe he's doing this because he didn't love me. He was going to school 4 hours away with lots of other women. I thought for sure he was going to hook up with at least one of them. I mean, why not? He knew I wouldn't find out. I was 4 hours away. It's not like he couldn't take her back to his apartment. I kept falling. The devil was putting thoughts into my mind that I felt I could not control. And the more people tried helping me, the deeper I went. I wondered what I did wrong that my husband had to move for school and didn't want to take us with him. (I now know, with a clearer mind, that none of these thoughts were true!)

It wasn't until about 7 months after he left that I finally knew I was going to be ok. I knew that our marriage was going to make it through this. And I know why. I prayed so much to God. But God didn't answer my prayers. I prayed that He would allow us to move to SD. It wasn't until I started praying what God wanted me to pray that He began to answer my prayers. I asked for God to give me strength. I asked that God would give me the strength to be the kind of mom that my kids deserved. I asked God to give me the strength to be the kind of supportive wife that my husband needed while he was and had to be away from his family. I asked God to give me the strength to endure what His plans were for me and for our family. God answered those prayers!

When I look at where we are today, 26 months into my husband's schooling, and with only 2 1/2 more months to go, I am surprised at how quickly that time went. And I am so grateful to the good Lord who gave all 5 of us (my Peanut doesn't count in this yet) the strength to make it through this chapter in our lives. My favorite Bible verse, one that I repeat over and over to myself daily, probably for the last year and a half, if this:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Phil. 4:13

So this is something I've thought about having tattooed. I know I don't NEED it tattooed in order for it to be something stamped in my head. I already say it to myself every day. But I've thought about it for some time now, have come up with a design that I think is very fitting for me and my journey, and this is something that I think I want, the more I think about it. But I'm wondering where. And more so, how much does it hurt? (I'll have to just keep thinking it can't be as bad as having a baby, and I've done that 4 times now!)

At this point only time will tell; to tattoo or not to.

Is Breast the Best?

So with having 4 kids, I've done A LOT of breastfeeding!! I can say that my boobs are ready to be done nursing! Or maybe that's just me:) Either way, a total of 3 1/2 years of my life have been spent nursing. And I have another 6+ months to go! That's a lot of time. Many minutes spent with my babies! Lots of bonding happening. Lots of time that I would never give up in a million years.

Got me wondering about other moms out there. Although it's not a topic of conversation for many, it is one that interests me. I would love to help new and experienced moms start and continue on that journey to breastfeeding their babies. But so many don't. This stirs up mixed feelings inside. I would say that I'm 'pro-choice' when it comes to what moms want to do. However, I am definitely an advocate for breastfeeding. And I am curious as to why so many moms don't nurse their babies.

There is so much research that says "Breast is Best". The health part of it alone would be enough to sell me! Don't moms want the best for their babies? I'm sure that's an obvious YES, but then why not choose to breastfeed?

Another reason to breastfeed is to save money! Formula is frickin' expensive!! I can think of so many other things to do with that money! (I would say that to people who smoke, too!! Yikes!) Especially if I know that breastfeeding, on pretty much all accounts, is free. Sure there's the pump, the bottles for date nights, the bottle liners, etc. But in comparison, WAY CHEAPER!

I know that there are lots of moms who breastfeed for a few months, then switch over. I would like to know why. I know that having a baby suck on your tits for 12 months is a LONG TIME! (And yes, even affects the sex life a little!) Trust me! I know! I have a friend who never breastfed her children because she thought it was gross. I know someone who couldn't breastfeed because of her nipples. I'm sure there are some good reasons why moms can't breastfeed! But what about the ones who are capable but never try? Or the ones who do it for a few weeks and then stop. Is it out of selfishness? In my opinion, many times it is. Why not keep going? I mean, it is pretty convenient! No packing bottles. No packing formula. No having to make sure there is bottled water...or that the water is warm enough.

I know there are times that it hurts! I've had mastitis 3 out of my 4 kids! And I'm not done with this one yet, so it might be 4 out of 4! One of my kiddos didn't know how to latch on right. And she was pretty stubborn with learning (can you guess who it is?). But I had to teach her. With one of my kids I went through post-partum depression really bad...along with having a very colicky child. And I still nursed her! There are nights I would cry because my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I wanted to stop so bad. I pleaded with my husband to just go buy formula so I could stop. So trust me, I understand there are definite reasons to NOT breastfeed. I guess to me it was still important to try to keep going. But what are other moms' thoughts?

These are questions I would like to know more about. Is it worth my my time and energy to help new and experienced moms with breastfeeding? That's something I feel like I would be good at. I've had experience with the ups and downs of it, so I could empathize, not just sympathize. But I just don't know if it would be worth it.

I would love some feedback! I will not be judgmental at all! Trust me! That's not what this is about. I just want to know, if I do go into this line of work, what thoughts I will encounter from moms (and dads). Is it worth it to do something in this line of work that I'm passionate about if there's not enough interest from moms. I want to hear from moms who breastfed for a week then stopped. From moms who didn't want to breastfeed at all. From moms who pumped to give their babies breast milk, but never actually nursed. And from moms who nursed until their babies could have cow's/goat's milk. I know this is a private topic for many moms, but I would still love to hear from you! (Message me on Facebook or email me if you want to remain private.) The information will NOT be shared with ANYONE! It will go to help me decide what I want to be when I grow up! I look forward to many insights! Thank you!

Love Happens

It's pouring outside. I'm relaxed after spending time with my husband watching the movie Love Happens while holding my sleeping Peanut. And because I'm in my "safe place", I am ready to write this post.

This movie was a movie I watched at the right time in my life. It's about learning to move on in life after losing someone you love. Well, I really haven't had a hard time dealing with the loss of my two grandpas throughout my life. But I have been trying to move on from other events that are still affecting me today. I will definitely watch this movie again, trying to make sense of it again, in order to help me out.

I have been talking with a therapist about what I thought was 1 issue I am having. Although I have seen so many counselors, therapists, psychologists and more starting when I was 5 years old I knew that that 1 issue stemmed from experiences in my life that have really affected me.

I'm having to learn how to love completely and feel like I deserve the love that's shown to me. I am dealing with abandonment issues from my biological mother serving me with papers saying she wants to dissolve the parenting relationship. Up to that point our relationship was short of non-existent. But this final blow is something that still affects how I love. As life went along for me, I feel like my step-mom then "left" me when she and my dad divorced. Now I feel abandoned 2 times from 2 people who were supposed to love me unconditionally.

Well, now these situations are leaving me scared and nervous in my relationship with my husband. I get very nervous when he has relationships with other women. What if he leaves me? What if he realizes what I know; that I'm not worthy of his love and that there is someone out there who is going to make him happier. Not necessarily the best thought to have in a marriage.

Don't get me wrong. My marriage with my husband is amazing!! He is my safe place. He's more to me than anyone else. I just can't say enough about my love for him!! But I am tired of wondering when he is going to abandon me, too. So now I am talking through what things I need to do in order to move on. I want this love that I have with my husband to just happen purely. Not tainted by my fear of the past rearing it's ugly head.

This love just happened!! (That's another post!) And I want to jump in with both feet, 100%, and just love my husband! I pray that God helps me heal from my past and allows me to live freely in my future and let love happen!

Living for the Moment

I took a walk today with my kiddos to the school where I used to teach. Right now I'm on a leave of absence while my husband pursues medical school. He's almost done, graduating in December!! I wasn't sure when I took the leave how long I would actually stay home. I have 6 years total, and could possibly take more time off if granted.

I went in to talk with some of my friends in the school. I miss them. I stepped foot in the library, probably one of my favorite places in the school, and had some feelings rush back that I wasn't sure existed. I'm not sure if this means anything. I'm not sure that I want to go back to teaching. But there was still a spark of wanting to do something with kids. I guess I already am doing that...but something different.

But as I sit here writing this, my Peanut is sleeping across my lap. I'm watching her heartbeat pulse in her neck, listening to her breathe. She knows she's safe with me. And I feel safe with her. I love being home right now. I have no immediate feeling of rushing back into the classroom. Although it was nice being back at my former school, I'm definitely living in the moment, and it's beautiful!