Loving my daughter the way I love myself...

From the time I knew I was pregnant with my second child, I needed to find out if it was a girl or a boy. I knew in my heart that I was going to be pregnant with a girl, and I needed to know for sure, to learn how to deal with being a mom of a girl. You see, with my history of relationships with the mother figures in my life, I've been left with some pretty severe scars. So I was scared to have a daughter.

Now, 6 years later, I'm still scared of how to be a mother to my oldest daughter. She reminds me a lot of myself, and that scares me, too. She's just a ball of energy. She's spunky. She's smart. She wants to take on the "mom" role (way too often). She wants to be in control of a lot of things. And she's only 6! She's VERY confident! Which I love! Especially for a girl. She's very mature in what and how she communicates with others. She knows what she wants, and she just does it. She reminds me of a college graduate, ready to make her decisions that she wants to make! The only problem is, she's 6!

I'm not sure if I truly understand how much of an impact I have on her; emotionally, spiritually, mentally. There are times that I see her reactions to things, and I know exactly where she learned it. And it's not necessarily something I even say. Just how I react under stressful situations. But it's also things I say. I know that I am a role model for my kids, both in words and in actions. I just really need to be sure that I'm a positive role model. One who doesn't play mind games with their kids, like I feel I experienced my whole life. One who is willing to listen to WHATEVER they have to say, which I again feel I didn't experience a whole lot growing up.

And being that I am lacking some some positive experiences from a mom, I'm finding it hard to be a mom myself. I see myself as a little girl in my little girl. That's scary! I'm scared that I'm going to turn into the parent(s) I experienced, and my little girl is going to feel about herself the same way I feel about myself...which I wouldn't classify as positive.

The other night we were making these little cakes from this kids bake set she got for Christmas. (And just to make it very clear; I'm NOT good in the kitchen!) Needless to say, I screwed up the first cake AND the fondant! I was getting frustrated! This was supposed to be something fun I was doing with my daughter. And it should not have been that hard, really! But somehow I found a way to mess it up...again!

Well, I called myself a "Loser"! But I kept plugging away! We got another cake mix and fondant mix and we made ourselves another cake! But Madi came back in the kitchen after taking a little break. She was very upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she was sad about what I said. I was confused so I asked her to explain more. She said when I felt like I was a loser, then she felt like a loser. **SLAP** **KICK IN THE SHIN** **KNIFE TO THE HEART** This is what I was doing to my daughter's self-esteem. Not good! I needed to make a change in how I was talking to and about myself! She's picking up on these negative comments I make about myself! Then applying them to herself.

Then last night she was at gymnastics. After every move she made she looked at me for some recognition and applause. I think that's fine, but I don't want her to always have that external praise. I want it to come from within herself!! I understand that feeling of looking to others for that praise, but not being able to get it from within. At one point she missed a jump and said, "I suck." I just about broke into tears! I hardly ever say that word because I don't like it. But the fact that she would use that word about herself was disheartening.

I need to change this! I WANT to change this. I want to love my daughter MORE than I love myself. And I want her to feel that way, too! I get so frustrated by so many things she does (or sometimes doesn't) do! And I know she feels that! But she reminds me so much of myself and I don't like that!!!

In talking to my husband about what I can do to feel more love towards my older daughter, he said maybe I need to focus on how to love myself first. To see and love the positives about myself so that I can love those things about her, too! That's going to be hard though. When do I have time to focus on loving myself when I'm trying to love on my kids? my husband? I'll make the time. But then HOW do I do that?

I'm ready to read a few books that I have to see if that helps. We're also going to a Christian camp this summer for a Mother/Daughter camp! I'm truly excited about this! Hopefully I will learn and take away lots of good skills I can use with my daughter!

I ask whoever reads this to pray for me please. Pray that God opens my eyes to see the beautiful girl whom I love so dearly, with all the qualities God gave her! Thank you!

Happy Birthday, Alexander!

My husband did a wonderful thing starting with our first! He wrote down each step of the way, documenting the day of birth for each of my kiddos! And I love looking back at that synopsis! Takes me back to those precious (and not-so-precious) moments!

Here's Alexander's entry into this world!

8:00 am: We arrived at the hospital and put into room 205!
8:30: my first dose of Pitocin was started. Only 3 ml/hr.
8:45: they upped it to 6 ml/hr.
8:50: I got to eat breakfast (hospital food -- which I actually like!)
9:06: Pit upped to 12 ml/hr.
9:11: contractions start and I can start walking around! I did my first 5 laps!!
9:25: my contractions are already at 2 min. apart.
9:35: up my Pit to 18 ml/hr.
10:40: Dr. comes in for an exam, but too thick to break my water. (Geez!!) Pit up to 30ml/hr.
11:20: Pit up to 36 ml/hr.
12:00: Lunch time!! Contractions are getting stronger, but pain rated at a "3+".
12:20: Pit up to 42 ml/hr. (Seriously, is this baby coming or what!?!?)
1:05: Nurse (who I requested b/c she is AMAZING!) comes in for an exam. Dilated to a 3. (Are you kidding me!! This is going to take as long as #1 and #2!)
2:24: (Some progress.) Dilated to a 5. Dr. broke my water! (Bring on the pain, baby!)
2:45: Backed the Pit down to 36 ml/hr.
3:15: EPIDURAL! (AHHH!)
3:45: Dilated to a 6. (Seriously? Only 1 cm after an hour! Do you KNOW how small 1cm is?)
4:05: Naptime, which lasted a whole 5-10 minutes!
4:40: Still at a 6, but fully effaced! (Getting closer...)
5:06: Dilated to a 9. Calling our Dr. back in!!
5:12: Given the OK to start pushing!
5:25: My husband helps deliver Baby Voracek, soon to be named

Alexander Michael Voracek!
9 lbs. 2 oz.
22 1/2 "

Alexander's 1st birthday!
That WAS his Elmso cake!


Alexander's 2nd birthday!


Happy 3rd birthday, Little Man!

Congrats to my Hubby!!

Bryan at his "Hooding" ceremony!

December 17, 2010

Bryan at his graduation ceremony from USD!
December 18, 2010


Bryan on his 1st day of work at ISJ!
January 24, 2011

Madi was the only one up, so she got a picture with Daddy!

The Lakeshore

I have a friend who's mom just passed away. She was young and healthy. My friend, who I haven't talked to since high school, sent me a message on Facebook to tell me the sad news. In that message he also paid me one of the nicest compliments I feel I could get paid. He said, besides his mom, I was the, "first person that really inspired me to build my faith."

Just a few weeks ago I was thinking how I wish I could inspire people. The Lord has done such marvelous things for me and I want to shout it to the world from the highest mountain!!

Then, after receiving this message, I thought, maybe I have, and I just don't know it. So I decided to make a change. I'm going to live my life in a way that I may be an inspiration to those around me, even if I never know it!

On Sunday the sermon spoke loudly to me! It was about Peter, Andrew, James and John being called to be fishers of men. To go out and tell of the Good News! Jesus told them to leave their nets, their boats, their families, and go fish for people! I don't intend to leave my family, but I intend, maybe in some small ways, to talk to others about God. About how we can have hope in him. That we can give our problems to him and allow him to carry our burdens. I want to pray for and with my friends! I want to listen to what God is telling me to do, then follow him.

Then we sang a song. A song I felt in the deepest part of my heart. I'm going to put the verses and lyrics down to read. I pray that whoever reads them takes them to heart and can feel a difference in their faith!

You Have Come Down to the Lakeshore

You have come down to the lakeshore
seeking neither the wise nor the wealthy,
but only asking for me to follow.

(chrous)
Sweet Lord, you have looked into my eyes;
kindly smiling, you've called out my name...
On the sand I have abandoned my small boat;
now with you, I will seek other seas.

You know full well what I have, Lord;
neither treasure, nor weapons for conquest.
Just these my fishnets and will for working.

(chrous)

You need my hands, my exhaustion,
working love for gthe rest of the weary --
a love that's willing to go on loving.

(chorus)

You, who have fished other waters;
you,the longing of souls that are yearning;
O loving Friend, you have come to call me.

(chorus)
Sweet Lord, you have looked into my eyes;
kindly smiling, you've called out my name...
On the sand I have abandoned my small boat;
now with you, I will seek other seas.

T.I.M.E.

Time is such a precious word, if you really think about it. Time. Only four letters. But worth so much.

I sometimes don't feel like I have time to exercise. And if I do, I don't have time to shower afterwards. It's only an hour. But it's not enough time.

But an hour, spent with my husband and/or kids, is worth so much! And that, too, can just fly by.

Lately I feel like I haven't got enough time to do what I need to do: de-clutter my house! If at some point we move, I'm in trouble!! Serious trouble!! But I don't have the time to do much now. I feel like I'm always keeping my head afloat; or at least trying some days. And being at home people (or maybe just me) would think I would have time to get stuff done. But that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! With daycare kiddos running around during the day, then the kids' activities, homework (pretty much just reading), supper, getting ready for bed, there just doesn't seem to be enough time.

A simple four letter word. TIME.

Just wish I had more of it. Time to get stuff done. Time to read the amazing book I'm in the middle of. Time to play cribbage with my husband. Time to paint my daughter's finger nails. Time to work on letters with my 2-year-old. Time to draw with my oldest. Time to clean our cluttered room. Time to watch a chick flick. Time to volunteer at church. Time to paint our bathroom downstairs. Time to take a bubble bath. (I hear those can be pretty relaxing! LOL)

Since that probably won't happen anytime soon, I'm going to enjoy every minute of TIME that God has blessed me with!

A Conundrum

Bad news won't bother them (because) they have decided to trust the Lord. Psalm 112:7

I needed this verse today. However, I'm not sure if it helps. I have to keep repeating it in my mind.

My mind is kind of in a conundrum of sorts. My mind is battling an issue that has been an issue for the last, well, 8+ years. And I don't know whether to post about it because it is a sensitive and somewhat private issue. But I want to because I want to know what others think and feel about this issue that keeps plaguing my mind.

I know I shouldn't worry about what others say. But it would maybe help me in knowing if it's normal or not with other relationships. Maybe I need to change my thinking. All I know is when brought up, it's bad news to me. I need to not let it bother me, and instead decide to trust the Lord and the plans He has for me and my husband. But that's proving to be easier said than done.

Oh The Places You'll Go!

It would be interesting to know, wouldn't it?! I'm at that point now. We're at that point now.

There will be changes in our lives in the future! Exciting!! Scary!! But changes none-the-less! We're going places, we're just not sure where and when at this point.

Throughout the process of B being in school, moving away, moving back home, having another addition to the family, changing rotations every four to six weeks, being offered a job, then accepting it, our life has been in a constant state of change. And throughout this process, I've had to realize that it's out of my control. That's hard for me. I'm kind of a control freak. But I've had to learn that I need to give it to God. I've been told this before. I've read it before. I know this. But during these last two years I've had to actually LIVE it. I've had to pray about it. I've had to actually tell myself out loud that it's not mine to control.

And that has put me in a very refreshing place.

Until now. I desire to be in that place again. We thought we kind of knew our plan. Maybe not completely in our control, but some sort of an idea. This idea we had was kind of affecting our financial situation, too. Well, it's changing again. And I have to realize that, just as in the last few years of our constant change, the Lord will provide for us again, and we'll be ok.

But I'm interested in knowing the places we'll be going. Where. When. Where we'll be going as a family. And where I'll be going in my journey as a daycare provider and mom. I just need to sit back and realize it's out of my control. That God will lead us to where we need to go and when the time is right. That God has a plan for us. But a few prayers for those thoughts would be helpful, too.

Oh! The places we'll go!

Looking back...and looking ahead!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

I ran 5 races...most of which were 5Ks! And I ran each and every one with my best friend!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

To be honest, I don't know what resolutions I made last year. Sad, I know. But in my defense, I was 7 months pregnant with my 4th kid! I think at that point one resolution was to not be pregnant again! But who knows.

I'm sure another was to get/stay healthy. I guess I kind of did that! However, I wish I would have done a little better towards the end of this year!

And I think another was to read more. Yeah. That really didn't happen. I did complete 1 book while starting about 3 more...all still unfinished at this point!! But with 4 kids and a daycare...YIKES! At least I know I haven't forgotten how to read yet!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Well, yes! ME! For the last time, I might add! Close to me...no. But friends, yes! My college roommate and her husband had their first little lady! Also a good friend from high school had their first little lady, too! But she joined her big brother in their family! Congrats to you both K and A!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

With a saddened heart, yes. My grandpa passed away in March. I remember it very well, the day I got the call from my dad. We knew he was going to be heading to Heaven with our Savior, but it's still a heartbreaking call to get. And what made it even harder was he passed away just a few days before his youngest (at this point) great grand-baby was going to be born. I was struggling with what to pray for. Selfishly I wanted him to meet our Peanut. On the other hand I wanted him to be out of pain and just take a walk with our Lord. Well, the Lord won!! Gratefully. But man do I miss my grandpa. (Here come the tears.) He was grumpy, but man did he light up when he saw us kids and my kiddos (and nephew)!!! I know he's smiling down on us now while carving something into his block of wood! And I'm sure he's making little cradles for all the babies up in heaven that he loves to rock/sing to sleep.

My husband's grandma also passed away in 2010. (And he had just lost his grandpa just before Christmas 2009.) She lived a long and healthy and God-loving life! She was ready to meet her maker after spending such a wonderful life here on earth.

5. What countries did you visit?

Oh man. Let's see...lots of God's country! Driving to South Dakota and Iowa was enough country to me. Outside of that, NONE! (But one of these years I'll be able to say that I went to Holland again!!!)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

This year I would love to have more self-confidence. I think that's been lacking for longer than just 2010, though. I would also like to have some consistency in our household!! That, too, has been missing for a few years now.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

This is going to be for a future post! Stay tuned! But a few quick highlights: March 23 (the day my Peanut was born); December 17 (the day my husband graduated from medical school)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Hmmm. My first thought is I didn't have any. But I guess that's why I answered the way I did in #6. So when I actually hear what others would say, I would say completing five 5Ks and the swim part of a triathlon! Probably the swim part more so because I shaved off almost five minutes from a couple years ago!!

9. What was your biggest failure?

This is a hard question for me to answer. Because I don't really feel that I have many achievements for 2010, then it would be pretty easy for me to say that I really didn't accomplish anything, which means my life is a failure. But then I would be sounding pretty pathetic. So, if I had to pick one, I would say not being a better and more consistent parent. My kids are my everything, and sometimes I forget that. (When I asked my husband, he answered that my biggest failure was that I didn't take more time for myself. Good answer, honey!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had a pretty healthy 2010 (thank the good Lord!).

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A shelving unit for the daycare toys in my living room. It was a start to cleaning up the clutter in my living room.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The answer that keeps coming into my head is maybe not the best one to put on here. Only because I put myself in her shoes and wonder how she did it (and is still doing it). I have a friend who is probably one of the most sincere and loving person I know. No judgments. Would do anything for anyone within her means. Has a beautiful smile that she shares with everyone around her! But in 2010 her life was flipped upside down due to infidelity. She was broken, but had to stay strong for her kiddos. She is working through it with her husband. I don't know how she is doing it! I don't know that I would have the strength, honestly. But the way she has handled herself, her marriage, her family...deserves a celebration of life. She was, and most definitely still is, a person that I genuinely look up to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Tiger Woods, actually. Marriage is hard as it is. Then you see someone who, I, at least, thought was a good role model for a good husband. Just kidding, I guess.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Diapers....lol. And bills. Then Target!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Meeting my baby. Having my husband home from South Dakota. My new snow blower.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

What Faith Can Do, Kutless

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier!!! Two. Hands. Down!!

b) thinner or fatter? Definitely thinner!!! (Although I was 7 months pregnant this time last year, so that's an unfair question!)

c) richer or poorer? Way poorer! (About to change though!!)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Oh man. I don't want to dwell on what could've been. But I'll answer the question. Spend more quality time with my blessings. Read. Exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

For the first time ever, we spent Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day home alone as a family. And it. was. beautiful! I could definitely get used to that tradition. B took both those days off from studying (hope that doesn't hurt him this Thursday when he takes his boards!)!! We had family time. Uninterrupted family time! It was beautiful! Truly. We played with cars. We watched zhu zhu pets crash into each other. We watched our Peanut rip paper off her presents for her 1st Christmas! We watched a couple movies that Santa brought us! And we stayed in our pajamas. Except for when we went to Christmas Eve service, which our older 2 acted in for the Nativity scene! That, too, was a first! It's definitely a Christmas that I'll remember!!

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Again! (Smiling as I sit here thinking of how I fell in love AGAIN with my husband!)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Biggest Loser (or the BL, as we call it in our house). It was a family thing. It was time with my husband. And it was inspiration to live a healthier life!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope, still dislike her. But no hatred in my heart for anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

If you've made it this far, you know I only finished one book. Well, that's not entirely true. I finished probably 125 books. But only 1 of them was an adult book...LOL. But I read a book by Harvey Ronglien about his account of growing up in the only orphanage in the state of MN...and it was located only 20 minutes away from where I live! A Boy in C-11 was a book that I could not put down.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Can't say that I had any musical discovery. Still listen to the same uplifting music as I did in 2009.

26. What did you want and get?

I really wanted a new snow blower. Probably for a few years. With a little help from my father-in-law, Santa brought me one just before our first (of 3 or 4) snow storms!

27. What did you want and not get?

I don't know that I really wanted anything that I didn't get. My family is filled with love. My marriage is stronger. We have a house to keep us warm. Oh yeah. And I got my snow blower:)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Toss up between 3. Time Traveler's Wife, Avatar, and Tangled.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 in October. I got to go to dinner at Olive Garden with my husband after opening decorated candle holders from my kiddos and a Caribou from my husband!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My husband being done with school. Consistency.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Oh boy, let me tell you! Started off in maternity clothes for the first few months! Then just big sweat pants and large shirts. By the time Peanut was about 7 months I thought I could step it up a few notches. So I started wearing jeans. LOL! At the very end of the year I would say I felt there were times where I was actually somewhat fashionable. I wore fitted jeans and sexier shirts. I actually wore my hair down and blow dried! Crazy, huh!

32. What kept you sane?

Prayers. Lots and lots of them! And my rock- my husband! Oh yeah, and those one pills that the dr. gave me. :)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I don't really fancy celebrity or public figures.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Politics alone stirs me. It makes me go crazy! But I would have to go with the commercials for the political issues! So glad that's done for now!

35. Who did you miss?

Beth, my best friend (who's not my husband)! I miss her a lot.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Did I meet anyone new in 2010? Really? Being at home I don't get out much. But I would say Heather Carlin! In fact I've kind of missed her the last few weeks!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

You emotions affect your thoughts. Your thoughts affect your actions. Your actions affect your thoughts. So start with a positive thought.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I might have to come back to this one.... The one that keeps coming back to me is,

Clean up, clean up

Everybody, everywhere.

Clean up, clean up

Everybody do your share!

LOL! Maybe that's because I sing it every damn day!