So, my relationship with my husband has been nothing short of a 9+ year roller coaster ride! (That's another post.) Lots of ups, some downs. So much good has come out of our relationship! But there continues to be a few issues that keep coming up. Ones that are important to me, but not so much to my husband. And ones we don't see eye to eye on. I'm sure this is normal in almost every relationship. It's about communication. Well I'm struggling to find that, among other things, right now. And it's not really a good time to bring these things up. It's Christmas time. The season of joy and laughter. Love and enjoying those around us who we love. My mind and heart just aren't following the same calender.
We talked a little bit about some of the issues a few days ago. One is trust. One is lust. (Coincidence that they rhyme???) With my thoughts, they go hand-in-hand. When there is lust, there isn't trust. When I try to sort through my issues by myself, I try to think of, and even refer to, what the Bible says. What would Jesus want for me? For B? For our marriage and family? I wasn't sure exactly the definition of 'lust', but I had the definition from my heart. It is seeing others with a sexual desire. It's taking pictures of them (complete strangers) and editing them for your pleasure. It's drinking heavily and dancing in a way that isn't appropriate. It's making comments, quietly or out loud, pertaining to a sexual thought of another person. But I wasn't sure if this was accurate. So I found this definition; a Christian definition.
And I found this as well.
2 Thessalonians 2:12. The definition of lust includes loving things that are not of God. You lust when you have pleasure in something that does not line up with the Word of God. When you partake in the pleasures of unrighteousness, you are rejecting God's truth (2 Thessalonians 2:12, "That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.",). God asks us to be vessels of sanctification and honor, and not dishonor ourselves and God by lusting after the unrighteousness (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5, "That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:"). Lust is a love that hates God and loves things that are not of God. The unrighteous' objects of lust includes sex outside of marriage, envy of something that is not yours, homosexuality, abusing your body with food, drugs, or alcohol, or the love of yourself above God.
I am not trying to point blame. I know that I, too, have my faults. My sins. And I try my best to ask forgiveness for them, and make it a point to be a better person. But when it comes to the lust thing, being on different pages is very hard for me. I want my husband and me to be together, focused on doing what God wants for us. But my husband doesn't know what his definition of 'lust' is. And when I try to talk about it, because I want to get to a place where I can move on from this, he doesn't want to talk about it. So there lies the communication thing. And there goes my trust.
I'm sure there are many people who are saying, "It's not like he's cheating on you." And I couldn't agree more! My husband is a very faithful husband. And I don't think he would ever cheat on me. (Obviously it's not 100%, but I'm pretty confident.) But to me, lusting someone is cheating of the heart. Looking at someone who is not your wife/husband and getting excited, is wrong, in my lowly opinion.
But here is where I have to leave it. Because I don't know where to go from here. B doesn't want to talk about it because 1) It's my last day of being a student (OK, justified) or 2) I don't know my definition of 'lust' (OK, figure it out) or 3) It's my graduation weekend (OK, justified). But when is it important enough to talk about it? Not in December because that's his graduation month. Not before next December because that's his graduation year. Not in his graduation decade. Hell, maybe not in his graduation century. Or at least that's how it feels to me. (Ok, that was pretty negative. Not helpful.) So now I have shut down. If it's not important enough to my husband, then maybe it shouldn't be that important to me. So I swallow it. Down it goes, hiding amidst all the other issues in my heart. The problem with that is it taints my love for my husband. And that's exactly what it's doing. I don't see my husband in the loving way the Lord wants me to see him. And that's a problem for our marriage.
I supposed when it comes down to it, I do lust. I lust for a love that God wants for us. But then again, according to the definition in the Bible, that wouldn't be "loving things that are not of God". I just want to figure this out. I want to be done feeling like maybe I'm not good enough for my husband. (I'm sure that's a whole self-esteem issue that will take me who-knows-how-long to truly fix.) I understand that in a marriage sacrifices are made. But I just don't know if just letting it go is a sacrifice I'm ready to make. I guess only time will tell...along with however God decides to answer my prayers.
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