I know it started not long after she was born. It wasn't until months later that I realized that I didn't like her. She was colicky and I had postpartum depression pretty severely. It was all I could do to make it through those days with her as a newborn. Now, 5 1/2 years later, she's this ball of energy. She is confident! She is beautiful. She is kind and loving. She loves to show me what new thing she can do! (gymnastics and dance related) I get compliments often about how she seems so grown up. She can hold a great conversation with older people, and they just gush about her! I'm a very proud mom!!!! She is everything I would want her to be right now. God made her this way.
But what scares me is I think she is so much like me. And what if she turns out like me when she's older?? What if the confidence she has now wilts away as she gets older? What if she wonders if she's loved the way I want her to be loved....the way I don't show it to her now. What if she doesn't get what she deserves out of life? And what if the choices she makes/I make as she continues to grow up affect her negatively?
I think this mother-daughter thing we have just is really new to me. Unfortunately I have a very hurtful and tainted view of what a mother-daughter relationship should look like. Because of this I don't know how to be the best mother to her (or my youngest daughter). Again, I pray about this. Maybe this is my plea for prayers from any of you who read this.
My goal is to find a book about this. I know it exists. I want it to be Christian. I want it to be real, so I know there are others who have walked in my shoes.
I love her so much! I want to like her. I want to look forward to seeing her every morning. I want to look forward to seeing her imagination run wild! I want to WANT to lay with her at night. I want this Mother-Daughter thing to be real, positive, grow, to be love like nothing else. I want to be her hero and the person she can come to about anything. And I fear I've not planted that seed yet. But I'm ready to give this Mother-Daughter Thing all of my heart.
Brandi, your post speaks to I think what most Mom's fear in the long run for their daughters, that loss of self-worth and questioning that comes once that innocence and wonder about the world around you is lost. There is a series of books by Mary Pipher (you can get most of them at the library) - Reviving Ophelia and Surviving Ophelia are two that I will be reading while on vacation this year. It talks about our "girl poisoning" culture and how girls lose their self-esteem in adolescence by trying to fit in etc. And how to better prepare to offset these years to come, so they can grow with self-worth and confidence they should have.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your feelings for her go, being that you pray and want great things for her and want her to strive to be the best she can - means that you are already being a good Mom. Try to just live in the moments with her and as you do that every day, you will love and look forward to those moments with her. You have a tremendous capacity for love Brandi and those around you see that at work every day. Embrace in your true self (not the self you wish you could've been) and you will be able to embrace her. I will pray that you find peace with your relationship with her. Also, you could try reading Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God by Mary DeMuth. It's more of a daily devotional, but a great start to your day.
God Bless B! Michelle