From the time I knew I was pregnant with my second child, I needed to find out if it was a girl or a boy. I knew in my heart that I was going to be pregnant with a girl, and I needed to know for sure, to learn how to deal with being a mom of a girl. You see, with my history of relationships with the mother figures in my life, I've been left with some pretty severe scars. So I was scared to have a daughter.
Now, 6 years later, I'm still scared of how to be a mother to my oldest daughter. She reminds me a lot of myself, and that scares me, too. She's just a ball of energy. She's spunky. She's smart. She wants to take on the "mom" role (way too often). She wants to be in control of a lot of things. And she's only 6! She's VERY confident! Which I love! Especially for a girl. She's very mature in what and how she communicates with others. She knows what she wants, and she just does it. She reminds me of a college graduate, ready to make her decisions that she wants to make! The only problem is, she's 6!
I'm not sure if I truly understand how much of an impact I have on her; emotionally, spiritually, mentally. There are times that I see her reactions to things, and I know exactly where she learned it. And it's not necessarily something I even say. Just how I react under stressful situations. But it's also things I say. I know that I am a role model for my kids, both in words and in actions. I just really need to be sure that I'm a positive role model. One who doesn't play mind games with their kids, like I feel I experienced my whole life. One who is willing to listen to WHATEVER they have to say, which I again feel I didn't experience a whole lot growing up.
And being that I am lacking some some positive experiences from a mom, I'm finding it hard to be a mom myself. I see myself as a little girl in my little girl. That's scary! I'm scared that I'm going to turn into the parent(s) I experienced, and my little girl is going to feel about herself the same way I feel about myself...which I wouldn't classify as positive.
The other night we were making these little cakes from this kids bake set she got for Christmas. (And just to make it very clear; I'm NOT good in the kitchen!) Needless to say, I screwed up the first cake AND the fondant! I was getting frustrated! This was supposed to be something fun I was doing with my daughter. And it should not have been that hard, really! But somehow I found a way to mess it up...again!
Well, I called myself a "Loser"! But I kept plugging away! We got another cake mix and fondant mix and we made ourselves another cake! But Madi came back in the kitchen after taking a little break. She was very upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she was sad about what I said. I was confused so I asked her to explain more. She said when I felt like I was a loser, then she felt like a loser. **SLAP** **KICK IN THE SHIN** **KNIFE TO THE HEART** This is what I was doing to my daughter's self-esteem. Not good! I needed to make a change in how I was talking to and about myself! She's picking up on these negative comments I make about myself! Then applying them to herself.
Then last night she was at gymnastics. After every move she made she looked at me for some recognition and applause. I think that's fine, but I don't want her to always have that external praise. I want it to come from within herself!! I understand that feeling of looking to others for that praise, but not being able to get it from within. At one point she missed a jump and said, "I suck." I just about broke into tears! I hardly ever say that word because I don't like it. But the fact that she would use that word about herself was disheartening.
I need to change this! I WANT to change this. I want to love my daughter MORE than I love myself. And I want her to feel that way, too! I get so frustrated by so many things she does (or sometimes doesn't) do! And I know she feels that! But she reminds me so much of myself and I don't like that!!!
In talking to my husband about what I can do to feel more love towards my older daughter, he said maybe I need to focus on how to love myself first. To see and love the positives about myself so that I can love those things about her, too! That's going to be hard though. When do I have time to focus on loving myself when I'm trying to love on my kids? my husband? I'll make the time. But then HOW do I do that?
I'm ready to read a few books that I have to see if that helps. We're also going to a Christian camp this summer for a Mother/Daughter camp! I'm truly excited about this! Hopefully I will learn and take away lots of good skills I can use with my daughter!
I ask whoever reads this to pray for me please. Pray that God opens my eyes to see the beautiful girl whom I love so dearly, with all the qualities God gave her! Thank you!
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