Before I write this, let me start by saying I'm simply using this as my journal tonight. I apologize if I hurt anyone tonight. As that is not my intention.
NO! I DON'T NEED AN INTERVENTION! So don't try to plan one! I'm simply putting down on paper what I'm sick and tired of hearing myself repeat in my head. And maybe once I put it down on here, I won't have to be stuck with it in my mind!
I have so many thoughts going through my head I don't really even know where to start. So I also apologize if I'm rambling throughout this post.
*My mind wants a break. My body wants a break. My heart wants a break. And partially my life wants a break. This mom and wife and daycare provider is tired. (So go to bed. After all it is 10:30.) Not going to happen. And even if I did, it's not going to help. I want to get away. And that's not going to help either. I really do have it good. My husband is amazing. He deals with me! That's a hard enough job in itself. He just wants to make me happy. (Those are words from his mouth.) But I don't want him to. My mind doesn't hear that. My messed up mind hears what the devil is putting there. And believe me, it's not good stuff. I just want a break. But I don't think it's from the things I mentioned above. I think I need a permanent break from my mind. My mind needs to be healed from the thoughts it continues to put into my heart. I need help with that. I've needed help with that my whole life. I just don't know how.
*I'm such a witch with a capital B. At least that's how I refer to myself. My husband wants to go hunting for one weekend out of the whole year! 2 days! That's it. 2 days to do what he has been doing since he was a teenager. 2 days to spend some time with the deer, his family, nature and God. 2 days.
But man, would 2 days feel so good. 2 days to do what I want to do. From sun up to sun down, and later, actually. 2 days. I don't know what I would do for 2 days. That's sad. And who would I do them with? I have NO friends! None! I'm sure I brought that on myself. So it goes. Someday I'll have 2 days in Heaven. And I will love it. So until then....
There's more. But like my title, I really have NO RIGHT to complain. A friend of mine's wife has been in the hospital for the last 8 days. She is pregnant with #3! They have 2 girls, with 1 on the way. She's 29 weeks pregnant! She is 30! She just found out she is in stage 4 of breast cancer. She's 29 weeks pregnant. She is 30. I have no right to complain about wanting a break from motherhood. A break from house cleaning. A break from my fucked up mind.
The whole world of my friend and his wife just got rocked upside down.
So now I ask the Lord to watch over my friend and his family. To give healing to them, in body and mind and spirit. Then I ask for forgiveness for being selfish. I have no right.
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